Jennifer Van Syckle  0:00  
Thank you for joining us for this episode of Talking Health in the 406, where we're one community under the Big Sky. I'm your host, Jennifer Vansickle, longtime health care worker turned health educator. Whether fostering is something you've always considered, or something you've done, or maybe something you have no knowledge of, you're not going to want to miss today's episode with our guest Brenda Signa from Billings. Brenda has been a repeat foster mom and has even adopted a few kids, including two teenagers. She's got a great story to share with her experiences. You're not going to want to miss it.

Brenda, so I guess let's start out so tell me about you. You grew up in Butte, your Butte girl Butte

Brenda Segna  0:48  
girl I grew up in Butte. I love Butte. I stayed there, I went to high school in Bozeman at Mount Ellis Academy. And then I came to Billings to go to college. Okay,

Jennifer Van Syckle  1:01  
and then you're still in Billings. I'm still in Billings. And so then do you. I know you're a foster mom or adoptive mom, can you tell us about how did you get into that world?

Brenda Segna  1:12  
I started I had a nice out of Butte, who lost custody of her kids. And just I was I started out as kinship care. So I took her kids and I think I had them six months. And then I wasn't going to do it anymore. And then you get the call. And it's really hard to say no when you start hearing these backstories. And there's such a need for it. So I just kept on doing it. So three years ago, I saw a video out of Missoula of two kiddos that had been in foster care for at that time they had been in 10 years. They were in 11 years when I adopted them. And they just kind of got lost in the system. And they were older, they were teenagers. So the chances of anybody wanting them or adopting them was pretty much nil. Like it just doesn't happen very often. And especially with a mental health issues. Like they weren't even in foster care. They were in group homes. So they just were a little bit more high maintenance. And I asked if I sent out a thing and said, Hey, I have a license. I have no placements at the moment. And I'd like to have the kids placed with me and try it and see how it goes. And and they were forwarded against it. Like they didn't want to move the kids all the way from Missoula to Billings if it wasn't going to work. And they wanted them adopted, but at the same time, if we don't try it, how are we going to know Brenda?

Jennifer Van Syckle  2:45  
What what video was it like one of the ones we see on our evening news, or have like a waiting child, or it

Brenda Segna  2:50  
wasn't a waiting child video?

Jennifer Van Syckle  2:54  
Trial video. And so for them to have gotten to the group home stage. How does that work? Did they were they already in some foster homes, and then they finally just kind of lost Oh,

Brenda Segna  3:06  
they had started out? Well, they're the abuse to them was horrific. And so they had started out, I think they were two and four or a little before Autumn was two years old. So they were pretty young, when they started out. And due to no fault of their own. They were in two or three foster homes, and it just kept falling apart. And so then the mental angst on these kids because nobody wants me. My parents didn't want me my you know, this family didn't want me that family didn't want me. The families just fell apart. Like for autumn, her first family, they ended up getting a divorce. And so they ended up losing their foster care license. So it was to no fault of her own. And so it was just these things just kept happening, just bad situations. And they so the only place to put them at the time. There were no foster families. So they had they started out having to go to group homes. And

Jennifer Van Syckle  4:07  
so are these group homes like with also with like people with disabilities, you hear about those type of group homes?

Brenda Segna  4:13  
No, these are just they're not disabilities. These are primarily they're just filled with foster care kids, kids in the system. And there's a lot of them are teenagers, and they end up aging out of them. And so it's just a regular house on the block. You would never know that it was foster kids. The kids go there they go to school, they go to you know, and come back. So when I first went to pick up Autumn, you there's a big sign on the door that says no going in or out. So the kids can't just go outside in the yard play. It's like do not cross this line without an adult. So they weren't allowed to go outside. And then when I walked in, so you're walking into a foray into kids have to stand there and say May I cross over to them Living room. So then we got to cross over to the living room where we're trying to get to Autumn's his bedroom to get her suitcase. And so then we walked through the living room to the kitchen, and she had to stop. And may I cross over to the kitchen. And we had to do that like four times before we got to her bedroom. And so on the one side, these kids are so well behaved, because it's so strict and so rigid in the house, on the other side is just really heartbreaking. Like when I brought them here, they did the same thing. They walked in my front door, and I was trying to show them their bedrooms, and they're like, can I go up the stairs, like, you just go up the stairs, we don't have to ask here. But it took me about three months to get them to quit asking. And the same for food, like they'd be hungry, but they wouldn't just go to the kitchen and grab a snack. That one took me about six months to get them to eat on their own. I'm not talking about meals, because I fixed the meals, but just to go grab a snack, grab an apple, because they're hungry. They wouldn't do it because they thought they were gonna get in trouble. And so it's a good thing and a bad thing. Because the positive is they're so well behaved, that there were no issues. And I'll give you a good example of that Jet got his driver's license. And so we got it after the school started. And so he goes to the high school here. And they're not allowed to park in any of the businesses parking lot. Well, there's a shopping mall, and he couldn't get a pass for the parking lot, because they only give it one time a year. So I said well, right across the street. So that strip mall, I said, Why don't you just go park there? He couldn't do it. Because it was breaking a rule. It's this is three years later, and I just got him to do it this year. I'm like, It's okay. And I would expect that I would be the one saying no, you're not supposed to. But I'm the one saying hey, it's okay. You can park there. If he wouldn't do it, they wouldn't do anything that would break a rule because they didn't want to get in trouble. And so it was there's breaking a rule. And then there's bending a rule, I guess is how I would say it is like, we have no place to park and it's a one day, you know, one time thing is okay, but you couldn't convince him of that. Like I said, it's three years later, I just got them to do it last week. And it was like, oh, like I said, there's good and they're bad. So when they think that they're these are terrible kids, and they're, they're not. They're so afraid of breaking a rule that they you know that they won't do it. And yet they do have mental health issues. So neither one of them could walk up my stairs without the light on. They were terrified of the dark. So they both had to have a light on. They couldn't go outside after dark, terrified, terrified at the dark. So those were all things that we had to work on, and just different little things. And then the trust issue with me, like I would say for about the first year and a half, at least once a week one of them. Are you going to take us back? Yeah. When are you going to take us back? And it was like I'm not taking you back. And if they did do something wrong. That was the very first thing out of their mouth was are we going back now? Nope, you're not going back? It's done. It's over with where you know, you're staying here. In fact, Autumn got in trouble last week, and it still came out of her mouth. Am I going back to the group home now? No, you're not going back to the group home, you're just in trouble. And we'll work through it. But it's just the stuff that's the first thought in their head is if I do anything wrong, I have to go back to the group home.

Jennifer Van Syckle  8:25  
Interesting. I have a cousin that married someone who is adopted out of foster care. And I remember her saying something similar where she just got bounced, you know, for for one reason or another, her and her siblings and the family that finally did adopt her. You know, the mom said, your this is your last stop. You're not going anywhere. And she said I didn't believe her. So I tested her. Because I just felt like okay, when when's my next stop? Because here we go again. Let's just get it over with and yeah, that's Yeah, interesting. And the group homes are, as they're interesting, because, you know, essentially, I'm assuming it's run by the state, the state of Montana. And they're

Brenda Segna  9:03  
not by the state of Montana. Their agency is like Youth Dynamics, AWARE. Okay, and so okay, they, yeah. And so they contracted out to them. And so the kids go there. I seen I seen a lot of the foster care so AWARE has their own foster care, so does Youth Dynamics. So you're not necessarily a foster care for the state of Montana, you might be a foster care for one of these agencies. They

Jennifer Van Syckle  9:28  
each have their own process has their own system.

Brenda Segna  9:31  
Yep. And so, in fact, both kids their foster care, none of them were from the state they were from AWARE or Youth D ynamics they both are from an agency, which I thought was kind of interesting, too. Yeah.

Jennifer Van Syckle  9:43  
And that's a whole other that is a whole nother rabbit hole to think about so what what does it look like to become a foster parent with one of these agencies? What does that license licensing process look like? Um,

Brenda Segna  9:59  
I don't know, because I've never done it. But I have read all the reports from there. So they're not as strict as the state. So it's a little bit different. Like, I have a caseworker that comes into the home that comes to visit. And so the caseworkers just meet with the agency, they don't necessarily meet with the family where the kiddos at. So that's different. You know, I work directly with the with the caseworkers for each of the kiddos. And they the caseworkers meet the families, but they have a supervisor at the agency. And so most all correspondence is through them. And so like, if I have an issue, or if I need something, I can just pick up the phone and call the caseworker and say, Hey, this is going on, or this is what I need. And it's taken care of, if you're with an agency, they have to call the agency who then calls the caseworker it's like this longer process. And it's like, I don't know, if I would like that. Like, it takes longer time. You know, if I have to call the agency and they can't, it's still the same situation, the caseworker makes the decisions. But you have a caseworker and then a supervisor. And then so you're being screened for whatever it is. And maybe it's just a permission slip to go on a field trip, you know, and it has to be signed by a caseworker. And so I could have that in 20 minutes, where if you go through the agencies, and I am saying that because Jett has one where he was going on a field trip, but the agency didn't get in contact with the caseworker in time, so he didn't get to go. And so it's that type of thing. It's like, it's just a couple steps longer. So and I don't know, as far as they have the background checks, obviously. But I don't know about the classes and the stuff that we have to take how that differs in any way. I

Jennifer Van Syckle  11:53  
feel like I've even heard it's to the point where like, if the kiddo needs a haircut, you need to get permission to get their hair. Yeah, you

Brenda Segna  12:00  
can't. You can't you can't cut their hair or change their appearance in any way without permission. And so like if I wanted, I have a foster baby. Now, if I wanted to cut her hair, I would have to get a hold of the caseworker. She would have to get it in writing from the parents. And if the parental rights are terminated, it's a judge who has to decide that, like you can't change their appearance. So in the group home, when I first started trying to get Autumn and Jet, Autumns got red hair, and she wanted to dye it pink or green or blue. And so their parental rights had been terminated. But the caseworker said yes. And like it was me fighting to stop it. I'm like, no, no. Let's I said we're not supposed to change their appearance. Why are you letting her change her appearance? While she's a teenager, it's just a phase. And I was like, yep. And I said unbox dye on her red hair, it's gonna turn green. And I said, she can just wait till she gets here. We'll discuss why she wants to do and I said, and I would prefer that any dyeing is done by a professional, especially for the color of her hair. I said, I've been down this road with another redhead. It's just going to turn green. And it's going to be a nightmare. So I did get it stopped. And we did highlights. We tested it on highlights. And so she had green streaks in her hair. And she's like, oh, and I was like, This is what I was trying to tell you. I said it's really hard to dye redheads hair. And I said, so you have to go to a professional. So it's just stuff like that to where she was in a group home. So the rules were different.

Jennifer Van Syckle  13:33  
Yeah, yeah. And so I guess getting back to Autumn and Jett story on how they became part of your family. So after you, you know, you got to move to Billings. You had him for several months, and it was finally getting them trained that they can walk into a room or they can go to the fridge and get a snack. At that point. They're still foster kids. They're not

Brenda Segna  13:55  
yet they're still foster care. Yep. So it's, they have to be in your home, six months. So it took me six months to get them here. I started in February. So I got them here in July. So then from July in December to December was a six month training period or to see if it was going to work the honeymoon period. So we made it through that. And then it took clear till the next July until I was able to adopt them. So then I had to do another six months. I don't think that was I just think it was the process of getting everything done. By the time you get a judge and you get like it's not we had to transfer the case. So at the end of the six months, then we had to transfer the case to Billings because I was still on board I was still determined I was going to adopt them. So we got the case out it was actually our of Butte we got the case out of Butte and transferred here to Billings and then I was going through the process and it took like about six months. Okay, so there were a whole year.

Jennifer Van Syckle  14:58  
Yeah, and Now, can you tell us about what then it looked like with that ceremony with the judge or anything? What the Oh, yeah, sure.

Brenda Segna  15:10  
So, yeah, people don't realize that you think adoption and they're gonna be so happy and thrilled. And, but there's also a panic and the kids. So Autumn was happy and thrilled. Jett had the panic attack. Like, he was like, wait a minute, what's going on here. And so it took me probably another six months to calm Jett down. So not every kid is really what I didn't know, I had no clue that any of this was going to happen. And it's, it's like it's final. And you've never had a final you've never had. And so it scares them. They don't know how to deal with that. And so it was talking to the therapist, like we had to go so many times and walk him through it, and fast foster care and group homes become their security blanket. And so what happens now, if she changes your mind, I can't go back. And that was his exact words. I can't go back. And it's like, but I'm not changing my mind. You're gonna be here until you turn 18 Go to school, whatever. I said, I'm not changing my mind. But you can everybody changes their mind. He's like, You don't understand everybody changes their mind. And it's like, no, not everybody. And so I wasn't prepared for that. Because I had no clue that that happened, that there was that side of it. I just thought they'd be so thrilled to be adopted. It's like, Oh, yay, you know. And while Autumn was really happy, she still had the same emotion. She just, it's like, didn't express it. It was more interesting. But then you hear little comments and stuff that she said, and it's like, oh, you're just as insecure as he is. You're just not showing it. Were he was very vocal about it. Which really shocked me, just the look on his face. So we're in there, everybody's happy. Enjoy us. And his face was come up, like all the color drained from his face, his hands, he was squeezing his knuckles, they were just completely white. He was just like, wait, wait. And so for him, it took six months for that fear to go away. He was terrified. He was terrified that he if I changed my mind, and he had no place to go now that foster care was the group homes were over. He had no safety net. And

Jennifer Van Syckle  17:23  
how old was he? At this time?

Brenda Segna  17:24  
He was 16. He was

Jennifer Van Syckle  17:26  
16. Okay, interesting. Yeah, I guess that would have been one constant in his life, you know, for so,

Brenda Segna  17:34  
so long. It's all he's known his whole life. Yeah, that's all he's known. And then it was poof, it's gone. Interesting. And it was like, wait a minute, what happens? And so he'll be 18 here in December 1. So now we're on the other, you know, it's like, Oh, I'm gonna be an adult. I made it I you know, like, he's not even the same kid. But it took a while to get there and to work through all of that anxiety. Like I said, I had never even heard of it before. But then I started Googling it afterwards. It was like, there are so many kids that should just be in the packet. Like, this isn't a normal adoption. This isn't you know, they're fearful. They're terrified that there's nothing there. Or that if you change your mind.

Jennifer Van Syckle  18:16  
Interesting. And so has he come around? Are you mom now and he knows, I had anywhere. Just

Brenda Segna  18:22  
since he came back, I let him go for the summer with his bio mom. So up until that point, I was not mom. And mom to him was somebody that abused him. And so his mom beat him with a hammer. So mom was completely out. So I let him go spend the summer to meet his bio family in South Dakota. And it completely fell apart like it, which is it was good and bad was good for him to see that. But also good to know, I didn't keep you from them. You can come but ever since he's been back now. i Mom not now he's 100% in now, it's like, oh, this is my family this is but he had again hung on to that thread of hope that his biological family was going to step up to the plate and take him and he just ended up butting heads with them. And it just it didn't work out. So but he got to see that for himself. And he came back much stronger and like and now he calls me mom, and we're all good.

Jennifer Van Syckle  19:28  
Interesting and so had you all this time then been slightly in touch with the bio family, the biological family connection to to essentially even know who they are probably

Brenda Segna  19:40  
to see. Well, we didn't know a lot. So I would say like maybe right before it was actually right before the adoption because we found out they had two older siblings. We didn't know that. And so then you get all of their paperwork from In the state when you adopt, so I was going through the state's paperwork and we actually found phone numbers for his grandparents in South Dakota aunts, uncles. So no, I, we didn't have that. And then his one. So one brother went to live with a bio dad and the other brother was adopted by a family and move to Alaska. We and he is two years older than Jett. So we I actually was able to find him on Facebook and reached out to him, he flew here and came to the adoption. Wow. And so they have a really good relationship with Him. The oldest one, we haven't been able to well, I've connected with him, but he's just not a safe person for them to be around. So they haven't met or talked to him. And then the gramma, the aunts and uncles, we've connected with them. We did via social media, we made a few phone calls. And then when I started letting the kids talk to them, then Jett that's all he talked about. He wanted to do this, he wanted to go meet his family. And Adams, the total opposite. Please don't ever send me there. I don't want to go. But she doesn't remember her family Jett was five. And he remembers. She doesn't remember anybody. She has no recollection. And so it's just like, it's two different people. And so Jett, I let him go. I was like, okay, he went for two months, and got to meet all of his relatives from his dad's side of the family. And it just wasn't his cup of tea. It just didn't, not what he expected, not what he not the lifestyle he wanted and came back. And he's like, Well, I met them, I probably will never go back. But I met them. It's like, okay,

Jennifer Van Syckle  21:44  
good for him to go kind of ride those waters and see what that that's like, kind of check out the grants that

Brenda Segna  21:49  
I felt it was better to do it like this summer, because then I still had the control to pull him back. If it's after he's 18. I didn't want him stuck there in a situation that he couldn't get out of. And so it was this way I got to make the decisions. And if he you know, gave me the signal, I would have pulled him out. But it didn't leave all of that resting on him so that he would have to tell them sorry, I want to go I don't want to be around you anymore. It was nope, my mom's making me go home now. Okay, so it kind of worked out.

Jennifer Van Syckle  22:20  
Thank you so much to Brenda for sharing this story. Brenda is going to continue her journey through foster care and adoption in our next episode, so be sure and tune in for that. In the meantime, if you would like any more information on whatever you heard today, or about becoming a foster parent, tune into our website at Talkinghealthinthe406@mt.gov And until next time, take care

Transcribed by https://otter.ai