Jennifer Van Syckle  0:00  
Thank you for joining us again for another episode of Talking Health in the 406, where we're one community under the big sky. I'm your host, Jennifer Van Syckle, longtime health care worker turned health educator, and we're gonna tune right back in to continue hearing Brenda's Segna's story about her journey with foster care and adoption. Let's listen in

and so Brenda, when you first decided to, you know, had you been a foster parent before Jett an Autumn? Oh,

Brenda Segna  0:34  
yeah, a few times. So, and I've got a four year old that I have permanent legal guardianship up to. So yeah, so I've got my daughter's raised, I have grandkids, and now I have a house full of kids again. So awesome.

Jennifer Van Syckle  0:49  
And are you able to, like when you get a call? You know, hey, we've got a kiddo that needs foster care. Are you able to? Can you tell us what that looks like? Are you able to decline and say, Look, I don't think this child's right for me, what does that look

Brenda Segna  1:04  
like? No, no, you have a choice. So you get to pick the age of kiddos that you want. And so Jett and Autumn are honestly the first teenagers I've ever taken, I always get the littles, the babies to, you know, well, they've all been babies, so I really have just had babies. And so that's a whole new beast too. Because the kids I get don't talk back, they don't talk at all. And so then you go to teenagers, and it's different in the same I compared Jett and Autumn into my four year old because they were just as needy, only because they didn't have, they weren't ever able to make decisions on their own. And so having to do everything for them, and trying to get them to become more independent. That was a rough road, I would say that was the hardest thing. It because it was just frustrating, because I had to spend all this time helping my four year old. And then I had to do equal with Autumn and Jett. And it was like, you can make these decisions on your own, like, what to wear, or does, you know, just stuff like that, that was the dose decisions were made for them. Or, you know, go fix your breakfast. And it's like, instead of me having to put everything out for them, it's like, you can go grab a box of cereal, a bowl and a gallon of milk and fix your breakfast. But they couldn't. I mean, that took me like almost three or four months to get them to independently do that. And so it just becomes it's not their fault, but you just get frustrated, because it's so much more time to get ready in the morning or to do anything, because you have to do every little thing. And that was just striving to get them their independence to make those like a normal teenager, I don't eat breakfast or get out of my face. I still don't have that. Like I still, like they're pretty independent, but still very respectful. And, you know, still asking, I mean, Jett almost 18 years old, and it's like, can I go do this? Can I apply for this job and work here? I mean, it's just not what you would expect. I mean, I've had normal teenagers who you know, come and go, and you're begging them, you know, for information, where they share every detail of their life still, because they finally have somebody to share all those details with. And so I can tell you every move they make at school, I can tell you everything they do, because they share all of that. And a lot of it comes from being in those group homes, they weren't allowed to do anything or, and so now it's, well, they're more independent, they share everything, like every little thing. So and I'm not complaining because it's nice to know exactly where they're at or what they're doing. And which if you have a normal teenager, you know that's not true. They eat sleep at home. And that's it. Yeah,

Jennifer Van Syckle  4:00  
yeah, I can sympathize I have I have a similar one. And anything that goes on at school, I have to go ask a co worker, because her daughter will tell her everything. And so I Yes, I can completely sympathize with that. So, you know, one thing that I hear people worrying about is, you know, if I wanted to dive into being a foster parent, all these kids are damaged and I or you know, and I don't mean that in a bad way, but they've had major trauma. They they were fetal alcohol so that you know, or their parents were on drugs or mom was on drugs when they were in utero. And these kids are going to be having major issues. It's probably more than I can handle. What is your experience been in all your time fostering and other foster parents with that, what would you say to somebody that's considering being a foster parent as they're having? I would say

Brenda Segna  4:53  
so. Every single kid I've had has had drug and alcohol um, In utero, I mean, it's been you as a foster parent or you, however, you're going to do this, you have the opportunity to change the direct trajectory of their life. So I have a baby now that wasn't supposed to walk wasn't supposed to do anything. She was so horrific   when I got her, but if you saw her from day one till now, you will not know that she's not a normal baby. And so if you do the physical therapy, you do, yep, it's work. But if you had a child that needed those, you would dedicate that. So yes, you have to put in the work. And just because they tell you like when I picked this baby up from the hospital, they told me she was going to need a liver transplant. She could be deaf, she may not talk, she may not walk, like I had this long list. And it looked horrific. And it was like, okay, am I up for this? Am I and clearly at that point, it didn't matter if I was up to it or not, I was already in it. But I jumped in, I did everything that they asked me to do. I did all of her PT, I did everything. And naturally, that just looks like a normal healthy baby, you would never know the difference. And I would say that my four year old to he, like he was six months old. And I had a play mat. And he would not go off the mat. Like he wasn't crawling, he wasn't doing anything. And I took them to an eye doctor, he couldn't see. So they put glasses on him and I put them on the floor. And he just shot across the floor. He was afraid to go off the mat because know what's there. And so it was the same thing. I did CPR on him like four times within the first week that I had him. And so yeah, there are going to be things but if you're willing to put in the time, they're worth it. And he's He's normal. Now he's healthy. He's, you know, a little go getter you would never know. So I mean, yep, there there can be. But if you're willing to do what they say, and it's just a waiting game to see, like, I know, some are worse than others. But it's your it's like anything else with a baby. If you're fearful, they're going to be fearful. If you can put your fears aside, yep, stuff is going to happen just like it is with your own children. And if you show fear, they're going to feel that fear and they're going to feed off of it. If you just jump in there and do it and you're normal, and everything's going to be a whole lot easier.

Jennifer Van Syckle  7:32  
Yeah, I could see, I could definitely see that. And, you know, I know one fear I've heard from people is, well, I would love to adopt, I would love to adopt a baby or a very young child, but I'm afraid I'm going to get get one for like three years, and then that kiddo is going to go back to their parents go back to a bad situation. So

Brenda Segna  7:48  
like my four year old, I was only supposed to have him for two weeks, then it was four months. Then it was like literally, right before I got him. We were working on reunification. And I was supposed to take him back to his parents in two weeks in two weeks. And then they just stepped back. And so I mean, ultimately, the goal is reunification. But three years is a long time to be in the system. It typically is 18 months is the longest like they have a policy. But that doesn't always happen. Because in that 18 months, it could go back for this long that long. And yeah, I mean, you could have them for three years. And that that is the nature of the beast of foster care. And it's like, I look at it as I'm here to help this child to get to where they need to be. And I am not where I need to be, you know, they're not my child like this baby that I have. Now we are so attached to one another. But I know I'm not going to keep her I know that she's going to you know, go on to where she needs to be in is it going to hurt? Yep, I'll probably shed more than a few tears. But that is what we take on. And so we have to do that. And I always tell people, it's kind of like health care. Because I worked in health care for 25 years, and you get attached to some of your patients, but they're not yours, you have to let them go. And so it's putting in a healthy boundary. And it's like, I never in my mind have thought that this is my baby or that I'm going to keep her. And I guess that's where a lot of foster parents, you know, it's like, until it's signed, the paperwork is signed, they are not yours to keep. You're their caregiver, you're there to love them and to provide for them and give them everything that you can. But until it's actually the ink is dried, don't cross that line. Don't This isn't your baby. And you know, you have to realize that Yep, you're probably going to end up having to give them back to the parents or wherever they need to be. But that that is what you signed up for, ultimately is to just be the caregiver and I think that for me being an older foster parent, or grandma as what I'm going to say is that for those of us that are grandparents, we don't have the intention that we're going to keep all of our kids, we've raised our children. And we are there for the sole purpose of being like Ya Ya. I'm the grandparent. And so you grandparents don't keep their children and send them back home. And that's exactly what we're there for. So you get these younger families that come in, and they have the opposite goal, they want a family they want to adopt, it might take three or four before there's finally someone that's ready to adopt. So you have to be patient, and you have to, again, don't cross that line that this is my child, it's not your child until the ink is dry.

Jennifer Van Syckle  10:40  
I love that. And that's, you know, when you stop and think about it, it's so true with anything in life. Attitude is, is everything and yeah, if you're Yeah, even if you are a young couple that wants to adopt a baby, that totally makes sense, you know, I'm, you know, like your baby that you have in your in your care now, I'm gonna give her the best that I possibly can or him the best that I possibly can. And yes, if this one becomes their foundation, yeah, yeah, then at least if I win them over, it's going to hurt. But I know, I've contributed goodness to their life, and then someday it will work out. I mean, I know. We got some statistics. And as of December of last year, so December 2022. Montana has 2600 kids in our foster care system right now. But 85 of those are waiting for adoption. You know, and so it's an eligible to be adopted. It's,

Brenda Segna  11:38  
and I bet you if you broke that down even further, they're all older kids. Yeah, because it's, it's really hard for people to wrap their brain around adopting an older child.

Jennifer Van Syckle  11:51  
Yeah, in the so in 2021. In the United States, 53,500 kids were adopted. And, yeah, 29% were nine years old and older. But the average age of adoption is six years old, nationally, in our country. And so

Brenda Segna  12:14  
yeah, and I think they're, the issue becomes people want this little, you know, they want this perfect child, they're going to adopt, you know, the little blond hair, blue eyed, whatever it happens to be, and everything's going to be wonderful. But no matter what, that you have to realize that this child's had trauma, and once your honeymoon period, they are going to be the perfect child. We call it the honeymoon period. For however long that lasts, they're not going to do anything. But then after the honeymoon, you're gonna see that child. And again, they're gonna act out and it gives you the opportunity to grow with that child. And every time that they act out, and you do a reasonable punishment, and they realize that the punishment isn't there's the door, it gets a little bit easier. And they're testing you. They're testing you what's going to happen if I do this, what's going to happen if I do that? And it's like, okay, like, for Autumn it was I'm not coming down and eating dinner. I don't want to eat dinner. No, it's dinnertime. No, I'm not going to do it. You're gonna make me No, go to your room. And so she went to her room. And then about two hours later, she came down, she goes, I'm ready to eat. And it was like, Well, I'm sorry, everything's cleaned up. You'll have to wait till tomorrow. And she's like, you're not gonna feed me? No. I said, I had dinner on the table. And you said no. And I said, So now you just have to wait to breakfast. She was so mad, but it wasn't. Okay. Kick me out. And she tested probably more than Jett probably more frequently. And it's just, you can't I think you're like my punishments changed from my biological daughter to these kiddos, how I punish kids changed how I react to kids change. They couldn't, they're, they're different and everything's a test. So the reasoning behind the behavior was totally different than you know, everything to the show bad behavior, but it was on purpose. And it was test me. And so I tried as hard as I could not to react to it. This is like, okay, you know, in fact, I had people comment, they're like, how can you not upset How come you're not? And I was like, because they want a reaction. And I said, So number one, I'm not going to give them a reaction. And number two, I said is going to be I said, they'll get punished, but it'll be minimal. Because they want you to go, you know, to say, Oh, she did all of this. I can't do this. And so if I just do the minimal and they're staying here, then it eases them through it a lot quicker than up you're grounded for six months, and now you gotta go, you know, pull all the weeds in the yard and do all this. And we have had not I don't think I've ever grounded him for six months. But we have had where they've had to pull weeds and pull rocks and do all I mean, we've gotten to that point, but nothing, you know, nothing major. Like I said, it's just how you react to it. And you just have to learn that how you and, I guess that has to do to do with foster care, because how you not necessarily react, but how you punish is a little bit different because they have their own rules on what's acceptable and what's not acceptable. And so that kind of really is a guiding point. And so you have that and you're like, Okay, and so that helped to doing foster care all these years. And it's like, okay, so, like your timeout, we're going with littles now because your timeout is, you know, 30 seconds or a minute, and it's like, okay, things are just different than if it's your own kiddo. So you have to learn all of those. But as you learn it, and then you realize, oh, okay, this is way easier than how I used to punish my daughter. And in fact, my daughter comments all the time, man, if that was me, I was like, Yeah, I know, I learned. But I think that's true with any parent. If you have kiddos, you know, if you think about it, they're your biological kids, how you treated and punish that first one compared to how you did the last one is 100% different because we've learned, we learned what worked, what didn't work. And we kind of grow from that. And so I would say from having my daughter, to the kids I have now it's 100% different. Because I've grown, I've learned I've had so many classes, so much education. And so things just look different now.

Jennifer Van Syckle  16:40  
Yeah, I can, I could definitely see and appreciate that. For sure. And so for the we're there, like when you sign up to be a foster parent, were there classes like? Or did they have you go like, read some sort of handbook on some of this stuff, like, here's what is allowed, here's what's not allowed, there were

Brenda Segna  17:00  
classes, there were handouts. And then I teach for the school district. And so I have all of these education classes that I have to take every year. And honestly, those are probably more, because it's more of how a teacher has a situation in a classroom. And so using a lot of those tools, like I do, probably 10 More than I have to, just because there's something that I want, like trauma, or just bullying, just different things like that, or even learning to recognize bullying. So I can recognize when my kids are being bullied long before they are like they're being set up to be bullied. And it's like, I can stop the situation, because I've had that training. But they do. So you have to have continuing education credits for your license every year. So you have to take so many classes anyway. There's books out there. So I've done I probably like I said more than I should. But it's like if I'm having an issue, I'll go find a class on it and go take it. And it's like, okay, like these to the older kiddos. Again, that that same fear factor, I'm taking them out of a group home, and so is learning more about group homes, why they're in there. And then the mental health aspect of it all. The anger, the fear that learning to see it, and then learning how to help them to address like, Jett was on so many meds when he got here. The like he had a sleeping pill, they gave him a sleeping pill at two o'clock in the afternoon, and another one at 10 o'clock. So pretty much he was out until the next morning from the time he got home from school until they got up the next day he was out. Because I didn't want to deal with his anger and frustration, his anxiety. Now he's only on an ADHD. He's off all his meds. And he's just fine. He's learned we slowly weaned him off, mostly so that he could learn how to deal with his anxiety and, and I say anger because it's just the anxiety and it just comes out. And it's like this is appropriate ways to deal with it. And this is not. And so as we went through each stage of teaching him how to how to react, how to calm himself down. What's fearful, what's not, like I said, walking up and down the stairs, when it was dark, like are not sleeping and he just quit sleeping with the light on in June. So he slept with a light this whole time. He was just terrified at the dark. And so it was getting him through that without medication. And I want to say in September we took him off the last of his anxiety meds and he's just on his ADHD meds and he's doing really well. Things have come up at school he's gotten mad but he calms down really quickly. He has learned to calm himself down. He said fears but he we talk through their walk them through him or he'll just come to me and yeah, I just did this. So they're in this group homes, nobody teaches them how to deal with emotions, how to deal with and so you do have to You, but You can do it. And it's just like learning what you need to do go talk to a therapist, go talk to a psychiatrist. How do I do this? If you don't know how to do it and ask, they just need somebody to teach them. And you don't think they've never had parents. They've never had anybody just show them. Like, Autumn, when she got here. It's like, okay, who do I have to fight when I go to school? What? And she goes, Well, you have to fight the bullies. And it's like, no, you don't fight it in this house. She goes, Well, they hit me, I'm hitting him back. And I said, No, we don't hit back. And she's like, What? She's like, who are you? And where are you from. But I said, we do things differently. But nobody's ever taught them. So that's where you come in as a parent. And you have to realize you have to go all the way back to that four year old is what I say, because I make the my four year old when he does something wrong, he has to come to you. And he has to acknowledge, hey, I, you know, I broke your toy, or I did whatever he has to he has to admit it, he has to acknowledge it. And then I'm sorry that I did that, please forgive me. And I also had to do that with Autumn and Jett. Because I had never had to apologize for stuff, they've never had to acknowledge that they did something wrong. And so it was, that one was harder for Autumn, like admitting that she did something wrong, oh, she would get so angry at me. But it's like, you have to learn this too. Because even though they're the age that they were nobody taught them, nobody taught them these things. And so that becomes you. And you just have to realize, if you can bring them back and teach them these things, they're going to be so much stronger, and so much better off and your sanity is going to be saved, because you're not going to be getting frustrated. It's like, oh, it's not their fault. I just have to show them. And now they're doing it on their own. Very awesome.

Jennifer Van Syckle  21:48  
And so through all of this through foster care, did it did you have to pay anything that the were you like to be a foster parent, or then when you decided that it was time to adopt Jett and Autumn, did you have to go and find and find like your own attorney for those steps.

Brenda Segna  22:06  
So you don't have to pay for foster care. But they're all I'll come back to that one. But let me talk about the attorney first. So the attorney, they send you a list of who they want, and then you apply for they have scholarships and funds that can help you pay for the attorney and you just have to fill out the paperwork and apply for it. As far as foster care paying, you have to realize that these kids come with the shirts on their back. Mostly, they have no clothes, they have nothing like even Jett and Autumm. So they came with size 10 to 12 clothes, and they were both in small adult or medium adults. So they were still fitting into little kids clothes, their shoes Jett was wearing a 10 and a half and he has a 13 and a half foot. So like basically, I had to provide Well, I made a mistake too. So I when I met them in Missoula, I took them shopping in Missoula, and bought them all new clothes, shoes, everything from head to toe. And I was just there for the weekend. And I let them take everything back to the group home. So by the time I got them here, the kids in the group had taken all their stuff. So I had to do it a second time. But yeah, you just have to realize that and there are places that can help that, you know, there's some secondhand stores that will help and will let you do all of that. But yeah, there's going to be a cost. And it's like, even with the babies, even with when I got my four year old, I had nothing. I didn't have a car seat. I didn't have a crib and I had to go. Like I picked him up from the hospital. The same with the baby. They didn't even they had a diaper on. I mean, they have nothing because everything they have is belongs to the hospital. So I picked him up and Great Falls. And I had to run to Walmart. Like I had to get close a diaper bag, diapers bottles. I had to get a car see everything because I had nothing. And I don't know what I expected. Like they were going to hand me everything I needed for a baby from the hospital. But it was going in there and then the nursing, okay, do you have this, this, this and this and I'm like what? And they're like, well, we'll give you a couple bottles of formula but this is the formula he's on and this is what you need. So I literally I've had to rent a Walmart and get everything that I needed for and the same with this last little one. But all of them every foster child I've had has come with nothing. And so I've had to run out now I have boxes or plastic tubs for little ones. I don't have them for the bigger ones, but I have with the little ones like boy girl, you know, 06 months, six to 12 months and so but yeah, you're pretty much you have to get it all

Jennifer Van Syckle  24:47  
interesting. And so even with like the older ones, they don't get some sort of like clothing allowance per month from AWARE or from the state or

Brenda Segna  24:55  
it was $50 that they got not when they got it but they would go on and like, jet saved his money. And he used it for Christmas presents and birthday presents. And then Autumn, but stuffed animals earring, you know, just instead of in fact I Autumn came with this jacket that she just loved. It was like a little Nike sweatshirt. And she's like, Yeah, I went shopping. I was like, where did you go shopping to get that. And she goes at the lost and found at school. And so she went through the last and found to get her clothes. And so it's just stuff like that. And so yeah, they got, I don't even think it was every month, but every so they got $50 They got $50 for Christmas and $50 for their birthday. So and that was their Christmas. So their first Christmas here was just jaw dropping for them. I mean, we had Christmas tree. Actually, it was Thanksgiving, we started with thanksgiving, because at the group homes, nobody knew how to cook turkey. So they never had a turkey. So that was their first thing. And then we put up the Christmas tree and they were present center there for them. And it was just like, what what it's like, we don't just get $50 and we get to go order online. It was like no, you don't get to order anything. I said you have to wait and see what I got you. And so that was all new to them to not to just to be able to have presents that somebody got for them. So it was just all new, everything was new, even birthday parties are just like, Oh, we're doing a birthday party can invite friends, they'd never had that were in the group homes, they had a cake and they got one present on the day of their birthday. And that was it. Which was fine. But here we did, they can do like Autumn the firepit. And so it's just being able to have fun things appropriate for their age, and to be able to oh, I can invite a friend. What do you mean, I can invite a friend that was really hard to understand or to grasp.

Jennifer Van Syckle  26:59  
And I can see where even if you know you're a family considering foster care, and maybe you don't have a lot of spending money, you don't have a lot of the extra, you know, there is help. I know our school sends bags upon bags to the goodwill, our they do clothes drives, specifically for kiddos in our school in this situation, you know where there would be help out there and just simply inviting them into your life, like you say for Thanksgiving and letting them be part of the daily life sitting down to a family dinner together could just enrich lives

Brenda Segna  27:29  
where Right, right and I haven't seen that too even for kids in group home become like a big brother or big sister. I don't know what that process is. But I know there's people here that do it, that actually take the kids out? Well, and these kids had them too. They had former foster parents that would go and pick them up for the weekend or go take them out for their birthday, or just to dinner and just try to realize and think that I mean, you can still be part of their lives and part of their journey, and kind of, you know, form a relationship that way and help guide them along. And then if they need stuff, they have somebody, you know, just to do that, or having little talks with them like and it's the depth of information. And it's like, oh my gosh, you know, there. It's the lack of, you know, there's nobody in the group home. Is there workers get paid their wage

Jennifer Van Syckle  28:21  
income a lot. Keep the kids alive, the meals that are in there? Yeah, yeah,

Brenda Segna  28:26  
yeah. Yeah. And so it's like not, I think the biggest thing with Autumn is asking for help with homework. Nobody ever helped her. So she just didn't do it. And so now she has to do it. Because that's a requirement for in my house is you know, you have schoolwork, you got to do it. And so she'll sit up in her room and be frustrated an hour before she comes down. Oh, I think I need help. Okay, well, as soon as you need help come down. But it's getting her to that point that and to realize you do have somebody that can help you. You know, that's why we're a family, we can help one another. But they don't have that. And so I say it's every little thing. It is every little thing. That's

Jennifer Van Syckle  29:02  
interesting. And there. Yeah. And like you said, I love the idea how you mentioned even just being a big brother, a big sister to these kids

Brenda Segna  29:08  
at home. Absolutely McDonald's. There'll be thrilled. You know, and that's the thing, too, it's like, so when you're in high school, you can start going out to lunch, you don't have to eat in the cafeteria. And a lot of these kids, they have no money. Okay, you realize that they get $50 A couple times a year, but they have no money. And a lot of them aren't allowed to work either. So there's no job. So get them a gift card to McDonald's, get them a gift card to Taco Bell. Give them 20 bucks here you go. Go do this, go do that. You know, or like the cell phones a big kid, big thing for any teenager. You know, and they don't have them. They can't afford him the group homes can't afford him. So if you can afford you know, like my policy is $10 for me to add a phone if you can add The kid on your phone. And you know, and I mean get permission and all, you know, what are the boundaries and stuff. But those are just freedoms that these kids want. And they don't have, they just want to be normal. They just want to be like every other team. But they stand out from the pack because they don't have, they can't go to McDonald's for lunch. They can't text a friend. These are just normal teenage things. When Jett and Autumn got here, Adam just took off with the cell phone like she just thrived. Jet was afraid of it. Like, I can talk to people whenever I wanted to, like he didn't know how to wrap his brain around that. And it took him I would say, probably six months longer than Autumn to get used to having a cell phone. Jett didn't do quite so because he's more fearful. But to him, it's the fact that he can talk to his friends. His home, you know, he can have a friend over and neither one of them are yet like a normal teenager where they're just in and out. They're here every single night. There they come straight home from school. There's no family is important to them right now, because they haven't had one. And so it's more important for them to be home. They have friends, they both have friends and may do. Autumns probably more social than Jett. But she probably goes and hangs out with friends, maybe two to three times a month. And yet, probably two to three times every four or five minutes. So that's the from a normal teenager to they want to be home they want to be because they've never had it. And so they're not sick of it yet. So I went in sick of it just just kind of little, you know, teenagers don't want to be around that, you know, they want to do their own thing. They both work. They both have jobs. And so they but they go straight to work and come home. They just don't. I'm not seeing the normal teenage where they're never here and I'm fighting with them to come home. We're not there yet. We're just not there yet.

Jennifer Van Syckle  32:09  
I want to take a moment and thank Brenda for sharing her story with us, as well as Jett and Autumn for allowing Brenda to share some of their story as well. If you would like more information on becoming a foster parent resources available, or anything at all regarding what you've heard in these podcasts, please visit our website at Talkinghealthinthe406,m t.gov. Until next time, take care.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai